All of a sudden, as if a wave of realization has been slowly building speed heading towards me, I am having a moment of terrifying clarity.
For months I have been chatting casually about starting some crazy new adventure in my life. The plans have varied from aimless traveling, to building a life out of state, to exotic destination employment; each option seemed more alluring than the last. Yet through all of the planning, none of these ideas made it close enough to call a reality.
For the first time since the idea of teaching abroad set my wheels turning, I am understanding the gravity of the choice I have made. Even through signing contracts, authorizing documents, and all other preparations, my trip to Korea has felt like a lifetime away. Yes, I am leaving for a year, but not for another ___ months! With under a month to go, and my preparations intensifying, this feeling all too real. And I am FUCKING scared.
Everything in my life that I care about will soon be more than 6,000 miles away. My family, my friendships, my view of the desert sunsets, and with it the ease of familiarity. Though, what I am finding most difficult to let go isn’t the contentment I have built, but rather the pain that I have carried for so long. One would think those feelings would be easiest to cast aside in view of new adventures. It is almost unconscious to become immobilized by memories and never realize it. I fear that I have been still in my thoughts for too long.
There are scores of intentions surrounding my decision to go so far away for so long. I can say that I want to travel, to experience new culture, to expand my portfolio, to gain independence, and all of those would be truths. When I am honest with myself, there is one reason that drives me more than the rest.
I want to let go.
I want to let go of my security: the security of my family, of my routine, and of all the what-ifs that consume me in false hope. There is nothing here for me now, so with my soul grasping for a rope to pull me back, I’m going to push my craft away from the dock and face the dark mass ahead.
…and my life will change forever…
Sometimes I wish I could reconnect with all of the people that have ever meant something to me. And then I wonder if those people are wishing for the same thing.